Half Truths and Whole Lies

For more than a decade, I lived the suffocating life of trying to pretend I was straight.  I knew when I was 12 or 13, but the guilt I felt was too overpowering to move beyond.  I prayed every night for God to change me. 

I dated girls and even tried to have sex with them.  They were willing; I was unable.

My last attempt was with Kathy.  She lived upstairs from me in what was once a grand old house that had been converted to apartments.  I was in grad school and still hoping I was straight or at least bisexual, despite my fascination with gay porn. 

Once we got naked and in bed, I realized I had no idea what to do with her boobs or other parts.  I knew instinctively what to do with a man, but didn’t know what to do with her. 

So I did what most men would do in that kind of situation:  I threw my clothes on in less than a minute and took refuge at a burger place that was open all night.  I sat and thought about the lie my life had become.

After that, I didn’t answer my door or phone for 3 days.  I sat on my couch and ignored everyone while I tried to make sense of my life.  My conclusion was that it was a lie that I had to correct.

On the fourth day, I answered the door.  I told Kathy that I was gay and always have been.  That I couldn’t admit it to myself, so I couldn’t very well tell her.  That I was sorry for any pain I’d caused her.

For the first time in my life, though, I could breathe.  I had been living a half-truth, but a whole lie. 

Kathy wasn’t too happy.  I was the latest of a string of boyfriends that ended up being gay.  But I had to end the living lie somewhere.  We remained close friends, and she was happy when I met my first partner and truly saddened when he died 20 years ago.

I have been in the same job for 10 years, and I’ve never said “I’m gay” to anyone there.  They either don’t care or just assume.  It’s a female-dominated workplace; they bitch about their husbands (or ex-husbands), and I bitch about mine.

None of them really know about my struggles and internal conflict about my sexuality.  They don’t realize that those struggles and conflicts have made me a stronger person, one at peace with himself.  I have already conquered the biggest challenge I will ever have to face.

Turning off life support for my first partner and, more recently, my father were easy by comparison.  I had grown into a man who knew who he was and what he believed.  One living outside the dark world of lies.

Now I live in the harsh light of day.  It’s not always easy, but it’s easier and better than living in the shadow of half-truths that add up to out-right lies.  At the end of the day, honesty is still the best policy.