On Race in America

Several years ago I dated a black man for about a year. I gained a new perspective on race in America in the process. It didn't surprise me that my mother, who grew up and has lived all her life in the deep South, was more upset that I was dating a black man than that I was dating a man. What surprised me was the reception we received from other black people.

When we were out for the evening and I slipped away for a few minutes to get drinks or use the restroom, someone invariably came up to him and demanded to know why he was with a white boy. They told him things like "You need to be with a strong black man." Or a "righteous black man". That was my favorite.

He always laughed it off. He was a peace-maker, and that was one of the things I loved in him. But those incidents always disturbed me.

We obviously didn't care about the race issue, but other people did, on both sides. I always wondered what business it was of theirs, anyway.

We aren't together any more, but our parting of ways had nothing to do with race. We had different priorities: I wanted a long-term commitment, and he couldn't make that step.

I always wonder, though, if we were still together, would we still be getting the same chilly reception from both sides?

The gay thing was over-shadowed by the race thing. Two things that are basically nobody's business, any way you look at it.

As a country, we've come a long way, but we have a long way to go. We are achieving the "more perfect union" that our forefathers wrote about so eloquently, but we have not reached perfection. I've seen the racial issues go from civil rights marches when I was a boy to protests and riots in the 70's and 80's to the entrenched race-baiting we live with now.

Racism is no longer fashionable or socially acceptable, but it lives underground, popping its ugly head up at times like now with the Harvard professor and the cop. Who was the racist? I don't know. Maybe both.

I've seen stranger things, but it’s not a call I think I could make.

What is also unfashionable is talking about it openly and honestly, leaving preexisting assumptions on the doorstep; forgetting the politics and speaking as true, authentic people without agendas of any sort. But it's our only hope to get beyond the stalemate we find ourselves in. Until we drag ourselves out of this quagmire, we will not get much closer to achieving the "more perfect union" that should be our ultimate goal.

I can understand resentment on both sides of the spectrum, but isn’t it time we moved forward? We are a 233 year old country acting like third graders on the playground. Doing so benefits no one and harms every one.

When it comes to race in America, it’s time to quit throwing blame around like bullets and grow up. Act like adults instead of third graders. Walk the extra mile, if necessary. Whatever it takes to move us forward, because we’re idling in neutral right now.